Toxic Positivity vs. Optimism: What Moms Need to Know
As a mom, you've probably heard a million times that you just need to "stay positive" or "look on the bright side."
It sounds harmless enough, right? But here's the thing: not every hard moment needs a silver lining.
Sometimes, we just need to feel our feelings without someone rushing in with a bright and shiny "it’ll all work out" response.
This is where we get into the difference between toxic positivity and optimism, and it's an important conversation, especially for moms like us who often feel pulled in all directions.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the idea that we should always maintain a happy or positive attitude, no matter what.
It suggests that there’s no space for negative emotions—like frustration, sadness, or anxiety—and that these feelings should be swept under the rug.
In short, toxic positivity invalidates real experiences and makes you feel like you’re failing if you aren’t feeling 100% upbeat all the time.
We’ve all had that moment when we were upset, and someone chimed in with, “Well, at least you have healthy kids” or “Just think positive thoughts.”
While these comments might be meant to help, they often have the opposite effect.
Instead of acknowledging the struggle, they tell us to push our feelings aside and just be grateful.
But as a mom, it’s okay to feel frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed.
It doesn’t mean we’re not thankful for our kids or lives—it means we’re human.
Optimism: A Healthier Perspective
Now, let’s talk about optimism.
Unlike toxic positivity, optimism allows for the full range of human emotions.
Optimism is about understanding that hard times happen but believing that you have the strength and resilience to get through them.
It’s not about pretending everything is perfect; it’s about seeing the bigger picture and knowing that the tough moments won’t last forever.
Think of optimism as a balance.
You can feel sad, anxious, or even angry and still have hope that things will improve.
Being optimistic doesn’t mean denying the hard stuff—it means facing it with a belief that you’ll come out stronger on the other side.
For us moms, optimism can be a lifeline.
It helps us navigate the challenges of motherhood with grace, without pretending that everything is sunshine and rainbows.
We can have those days when the house is a mess, the kids are melting down, and we just feel off.
But optimism lets us say, “Today is tough, but tomorrow can be better.”
Why Toxic Positivity Can Be Harmful for Moms
Toxic positivity isn’t just unhelpful—it can actually make things worse.
When we feel pressured to be positive all the time, it creates a sense of failure if we’re not.
This pressure can feel especially heavy for moms, who are often expected to be the glue that holds everything together.
We’re told to be patient, loving, and joyful—no matter how exhausted or stressed we feel.
But constantly pretending that everything is okay can lead to burnout.
It’s crucial for moms to have a safe space to express their true feelings, without the fear of judgment.
Motherhood is messy, unpredictable, and sometimes really hard.
We need the freedom to say, “This is tough,” without someone responding with a bright, “But at least you get to stay home with your kids!” or “Just smile more, and things will get better.”
How to Spot Toxic Positivity
Recognizing toxic positivity can help you avoid falling into its trap. Here are some common signs:
Dismissive Responses: If you or someone else often dismisses emotions with phrases like, “Just think positive,” or “It could be worse,” that’s toxic positivity at work.
Feeling Guilty for Struggling: If you catch yourself feeling guilty for being overwhelmed or sad because you think you should “just be happy,” that’s another sign.
Ignoring Emotions: Do you try to shove away any negative emotions as soon as they appear, telling yourself they’re not valid? Toxic positivity encourages this suppression of feelings.
It’s okay not to feel okay sometimes.
In fact, it’s important to acknowledge those feelings because it allows you to process them and move forward.
Shifting from Toxic Positivity to Healthy Optimism
So, how do we shift from toxic positivity to healthy optimism as moms?
It starts with allowing ourselves and others to experience all emotions fully. Here are a few simple steps to begin:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: When you’re having a tough day, let yourself feel it. You don’t have to slap on a happy face if you’re not feeling it. Embrace the tough moments as part of life.
Choose Encouraging Responses: Instead of forcing yourself to “just think positive,” try telling yourself something more helpful, like, “This is hard, but I’ve gotten through hard days before, and I will again.”
Support Others Genuinely: If a fellow mom is going through a rough time, resist the urge to “cheer her up” with toxic positivity. Instead, say something like, “That sounds really hard—do you want to talk about it?” or “I’m here for you.”
Be Realistic but Hopeful: It’s okay to acknowledge when things are tough while still holding onto hope. For example, “I know I’m exhausted right now, but I also know I’ll feel better after a good rest.”
How Optimism Can Benefit You as a Mom
Adopting a more optimistic mindset can actually help us handle the ups and downs of motherhood. Here’s why:
More Resilience: When we allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions, we build resilience. This makes it easier to bounce back from tough days and move forward with hope.
Better Relationships: By practicing healthy optimism, we teach our children that it’s okay to have bad days and that challenges are part of life.
We also model how to face those challenges with strength and hope, which can improve our relationships with our kids, partners, and friends.
Less Pressure: Letting go of the need to be “happy” all the time takes a huge weight off our shoulders.
We no longer feel pressured to pretend, and that creates space for true joy when it comes.
Takeaways
At the end of the day, motherhood is full of highs and lows.
We don’t have to plaster on a fake smile or pretend everything is okay when it’s not.
But we can approach life with optimism, knowing that even in the hardest moments, we have the strength to keep going.
Let’s give ourselves permission to be real—to acknowledge when things are hard but also to hold onto hope for the future.
That balance between facing the hard stuff and staying optimistic is what will carry us through.
With love and solidarity,
Are you struggling with motherhood? Let’s connect!
Reach out for a free consultation today!
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Mom Stress Relief: Quick Tips for a Calmer You
Sources:
Najmi B., Heidari Z., Feizi A., Hovsepian S., Momeni F., Masood Azhar S. M. (2017). Do psychological characteristics of mothers predict parenting stress? a cross-sectional study among mothers of children with different disabilities. Arch. Psychiatr. Nurs. 32 396–402.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29784221/
Manuel J. I., Martinson M. L., Bledsoe-Mansori S. E., Bellamy J. L. (2012). The influence of stress and social support on depressive symptoms in mothers with young children. Soc. Sci. Med. 75 2013–2020.